It’s been two weeks now. The days begin to blend into one, but I am still here in this nightmare.

You left the hospital after eight days and are now in a recovery home, for a couple of weeks. So far, you’ve been there five days.

My feelings for you change daily. I’m struggling with everything and sick of being the one who has to ‘be strong’. Why? Because you were always pretending to be strong? Look what happened to you! I don’t feel sorry for you much at the moment, more nervous for myself. I feel sick every time I see you, cause I don’t know what I feel now. I tell you I love you – but I’m doubting myself and our future together?

How can I love you with all that you’ve done? You are such a selfish person, always have been, things are always about you, and you don’t seem to know how to relate to how others are feeling. I’m sick of the lies now, and can no longer keep it all in. I am being myself with you and letting you see how I feel. Most days it’s crap!

I’ve been to my doctor twice, but I don’t find any relief – each day brings new fear and there has been little joy since Christmas. It’s taking it’s toil on me, I expect to feel better and committed to you, but I don’t! I still feel betrayed and hold so much anger towards you. It’s unnatural for me, but I’m choosing to let it out as much as I can, whether you like it or not. Take care of ‘yourself’ they are all telling me, so I am, this is taking care of me, letting myself say out loud what I feel inside – constricted, bound, tight, breathless – this is how I feel!

Seamus is dying… I told you that today over lunch and I’m really sad. You said the right things, but when I sent you a text tonight with all the details, I didn’t get anything back from you, nothing. My world is crumbling and still you have nothing to say? You want to support me you say, but I don’t see it much? I need to get rid of my anger and hurt, but how? I wish I could feel ’empty’ like you said – I don’t even know what that means? how is someone ’empty’? I feel like I’m bursting with emotions every day of my life, never enough time to see and feel all I want.

Seamus continues to cry all the time. It’s like reflection of my soul. He whimpers and sighs and jerks and moans and painkillers make no difference. It’s as if he is feeling all that I am, I cry as I look at him and he is tearing up my heart. His breathing is jerky and heavy, then stops for a second before he gulps in fright. I don’t know how to help him and feel he is dying here in my room, a bit like me, and you, and us.