The phone keeps ringing and people are dropping in to make sure i am okay. I am okay. It’s like another job trying to make sure I’ve spoken to every necessary. Each time I speak, my stomach churns and I cry at certain points of my story. This is now how I had imagined my summer.

I went to the hospital, but not until late in the day, as I knew your parents were going to visit. I knew that would be traumatic and I knew you would need some time between visits. I also knew that the constant talk about you would be annoying, for us both.

But you were pleased to see me and very relaxed. Whatever meds they are giving you seem to be correct. You tell me again how a ‘weight has been lifted’ off your shoulders. You smile a lot and I am again struck by that. We talk about all sorts of things, I make observations and yes, for me too, I feel a freedom to finally say what I think. Now is the time. I am gentle but firm. We get interrupted by your nurse, just checking on you, but we continue our talk with no particular agenda.

I miss having you around me. You look so nice and I want to lie beside you, but we can’t. I need to touch and feel you, and you do cuddle and kiss me, but I just miss you. But yet, I think about when you will come home and know that I am sacred about that. You want to come home, but know yet that it won’t be for a little while. We talk about that briefly and I again tell you about my children and how magnificent they were the other night. I need you to acknowledge them and think. I again talk about your children and what happened, and you agree that they will need counselling but you don’t seem to feel concerned about them.

You say that you are not going over things in your head for once and that what you are saying, you have not prepared, as if that is unusual in a person?! You tell me what it was like as a child for you and I see that in many ways you have not matured in your relationship with your parents and that is the root of many of your issues. We discuss this for some time. I try to explain your upbringing was not that different to mine, or others, but while we have evolved into adults, it would appear that you haven’t.